...

Life never seems to work out how I would like it to. Finals week is over and really thought that I did pretty good my first semester of college...until I looked at my final grades. I always knew that I would have to pay my own way through college and so I always counted on my grades to help me with getting scholarships, but reality hit me. I am in what I had always dreaded. I have no money for school and my mom, the most loving person on the planet, didn't want me to take a semester off to work so she is helping me out as much as she can. I let her down. I let myself down and I'm ashamed, disappointed, broken, embarrassed, ashamed. I can't go back and fix it and even if I get straight A's the rest of my freakin' life, there's no way I will ever reach what I expected from myself. I admit it is my fault. I should have worked harder; I had the time, means, and energy I just didn't use it and I regret it with all of my heart. I had this wonderful thing in my hands and just tossed it away. I am so blessed to live in this wonderful nation and I have the privilege to gain a higher education and as the Lord has asked us to do, but I blew it. I could tell myself that I'm only human, that this happens all of the time but the truth is I shattered so many dreams of mine and my loved ones. Nothing can change that.

All in all, I hoped that posting this for the world to see would help myself relieve from this heavy burden of guilt, but I know it won't.

But I can't leave you on a bad note so I will say that I do have something positive come from this experience, I know what I SHOULDN'T do and where my imperfections are. I have a lot of work to do.